Conspiracy theories

March 23, 2019

Okay, so I’m not really one of those “conspiracy theorist” people.  You know who I mean, of course.  I’m talking about those folks who see bizarre plots around every corner rather than accepting official and or reasonable explanations for things.  No doubt I have been fooled on occasion but for the most part I think conspiracy people are kooks.  “Kookie, Kookie lend me your comb.”  Remember that?  Uh…anyway…

I actually think we landed on the moon in 1969.  I mean I was in front of my television on that historic day and I heard the muffled, breaking voice of Neil Armstrong as he stepped onto the lunar surface for the first time in human history.  “The first time in human history…” we don’t hear that very often.  Speaking of conspiracies… do you know how many people would have had to be in on this one?  And not a soul in 50 years has cashed in by writing a “tell-all book” entitled “We didn’t land on the moon and I know because I worked for NASA.”  Or something like that.

I think Lee Harvey Oswald was solely responsible for assassinating John F. Kennedy.

And I really believe that the ancient Egyptians built the pyramids by themselves without the help of aliens.

Now, all of that being said… I have experienced a number of events in the past couple of years that could change my mind about the whole conspiracy thing.  First of all…  I used to be able to twist lids from jars without any effort.  Now it requires running the jar under hot water, hitting the lid with a knife or wooden spoon and afterward thoroughly drying my hands and grabbing a thin piece of rubber made for this occasion.  I then expend all the strength that I can muster,  and slowly, slowly, slowly as the veins in my neck begin to bulge and the muscles in my arms expand to their herculean best… the lid comes off.  Clearly, someone has decided to screw these lids on MUCH tighter than they used to.  WHO MADE THAT DECISION!?  Probably aliens wanting to starve us to death.  I honestly cannot imagine how 80-year-old women who live alone can conjure up the strength to access their food!

And what’s up with road signs?  The lettering gets smaller and smaller each year.  How do they expect us to follow the laws of the road if we can’t read what the laws say?!  Here again, I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy.  Small towns in need of generating income shrink the signs so they can pull over more and more speeders.  There ought to be an investigation!  Aren’t there enough people in Washington for another investigation?  I mean there never seems to be a shortage of them. (Investigations, that is.)  Come to think of it there ought to be a major in colleges called “Government Investigations.”  Rich people could show their kids how to bribe people not only to get them into the program, but to get them ready for working for the government.

I have been at Mt Vernon church for over 22 years.  Sometime in the past 2 years someone or someones (I WILL FIND OUT!) have added additional steps to the main staircase leading from the parking lot to the sanctuary level.  I used to run up those steps.  Now I drag myself up by the railing and still need oxygen on the landing and paramedics when I get to the top.  There are more steps than there used to be.  I can’t come up with any other explanation than this: it’s a conspiracy to bring about my demise.

And then, maybe THE most serious issue is the gravity thing.  Someone is messing with gravity.  I work on my cars on occasion or my kids’ cars in our driveway or garage.  I used to have no trouble laying under a car repairing all sorts of things and then jumping to my feet to complete the task.  Now, it’s all I can do to roll over, drag myself to my knees before a superhuman effort to stand.  It also affects rising from bed in the morning.  WHAT IS THAT ALL ABOUT?!  It can only be that gravity is much stronger than it used to be.  Right?  It’s clearly a conspiracy.  There ought to be an investigation into that as well.

Maybe, just maybe, I can be convinced about this conspiracy thing.  Tell you what I’m gonna do… I’m going to buy myself a big old tube of Brylcreem and a comb.  And maybe I can get Ellen to do her best Connie Stevens and call me Kookie as I run my comb through what is left of my hair.  And maybe even have her sing, “Kookie, Kookie, lend me your comb.”  If you have no idea what that’s all about… haven’t you heard of Google?

You know, I just started writing these ruminations again.  I have been out of commission… creatively that is.  So, if you were looking for something religious, well… it might take me a while to get back into the swing of things.  Maybe you can try to figure out the answers to some of the issues mentioned above.  I’m perplexed.


One thought on “Conspiracy theories

  1. It’s no conspiracy – there are definitely more steps getting from the parking lot to the second floor. I’ve said that for a number of years and now it is confirmed!

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