December 16, 2014
I have had a number of you comment in recent weeks either personally or through email that I seem to have gotten very serious, maybe even morose in my old age. Furthermore, it appears that any sense of humor that I may ever have had seems to get lost before these ruminations are penned. Well… EXCUUUUUUUUUSE ME! I mean another year in a relatively short life has come and gone. And Christmas is on the horizon… if there is ever a time to be gloomy… well, it has to be Christmas right?
For example, how many man hours or woman hours, kid hours, dog hours, I don’t know… anyway, how many hours have been spent in the past century fiddling with Christmas tree lights? Seriously! Like maybe a billion, or a quintillion, or what about a Fac-bill-jillion? (Okay, made that one up.) Or, I wish I had a penny – just a penny – for every curse word muttered over an unruly string of lights. I mean how is it possible that lights can surround a tree or hang from a gutter through the most severe weather, covered with snow, and they continue to work? You unplug them in January, carefully, meticulously, like handling an egg, place them back into a container, put them away and don’t move them for 11 months… and when you unpack them THEY DON’T WORK?! I do not believe in gremlins, but I could be convinced.
Speaking of gremlins they must also eat the extension cords! If I had all the money I have spent on extension cords over the years… my kids would not have college loans! Where do they go? I mean they can’t dissolve, can they? They’re made of plastic and copper for heaven’s sake. Don’t they dig up copper things in Egypt that are like 10,000 years old? (Okay, may have made that one up too.) But plastic will still be decomposing when the earth gets sucked into the sun a fac-bill-jilloin years from now. Where are all the cords? Now that I think of it…, I’m going to mark them then check my neighbors every year. Gremlins, my foot!
And whatever happened to outside “Christmas” decorations? I see a lot of Disney decorations, and Winnie the Pooh decorations, and Santa decorations, and Frosty decoration, and reindeer decorations, and Snoopy decorations, and inflatable decorations, and coordinated light decorations, and heaven knows what decorations, ad nauseam (that means “until I puke”). But, no “Christmas” decorations! If I didn’t know better I would think we have somehow supplanted the celebration of the Birth of our Savior with something else. NAH!!
I have a prayer that I pray each year. Sweat runs down my brow as I think of the possibility of this prayer not being answered: “Please God, don’t let us run out of milk any time near Christmas Eve. Don’t make me have to go out… THERE! Anything but that! Yank off my fingernails, give me eternal noogies, make me listen to Justin Bieber, but PLEASE… don’t make me leave the house. There are unstable people afoot who are… um… shall I say… ‘aggressive’ about ‘celebrating’ Christmas.” I went out one year… barely made it home alive. I used to have an older brother. He went out for bread on Christmas Eve. That was back in the 60’s…. still haven’t heard from him.
Don’t tell me about humor. After all, it’s Christmas! Not a time for light heartedness. It’s time for stress, frustration, traffic, pointless gifts and baking those licorice tasting things that most people don’t like. Call it anise if you want, it’s licorice. I should add that I looked up the definition of anise: it’s “… fragrant seed, used for flavoring and as a medicine for expelling intestinal gas.” Need I say more?
Go ahead, laugh if you want but I’m taking all of this very seriously. I’m gonna go untangle some Christmas tree lights. Shouldn’t take me too long.