A King James Thanksgiving

November 26, 2014

It was Thanksgiving Eve 2001. We used to have a worship service on Thanksgiving morning back then and like Saturday nights before Church, I couldn’t sleep. I had a silly little “story” of sorts running through my mind so I finally dragged myself out of bed around 2:00 am and wrote it down. I later sent it to a Christian publication and low and behold they printed it! It was originally entitled, If Leviticus Were Written Today but the magazine changed it to A King James Thanksgiving. Some of you might have seen this before, but for others… well… enjoy.

A King James Thanksgiving

The fourth Thursday of the 11th month shall be designated as a day for a Feast of Thanksgiving, dedicated to the Lord in celebration of the blessings He has bestowed upon His people.

On that day the people of God shalt thaw and sacrifice a fowl of the turkey variety on the altar of your dining room tables. The women of the clan shall remove the sacred bird’s entrails and boil them in a pan designated for these occasions. Half of the boiled entrails shall be fed to the canine of the family while the other half shall be diced and mixed with the juice of the consecrated bird and thickened with the “powder of maize.”

Take the grain of the wheat stalk and pound it into a fine dust. Make the sanctified bread from this powder. Cut the bread into 1/2 –inch squares and allow to harden for 3 and ½ weeks. Mix the hardened bread with onion and celery and fill the hollowed cavity of the sacrificed bird. Thou shalt then roast the bird for 1 hour for every 5 pounds at 350 degrees.

On that most Holy Day, thou shalt take the skin from the hallowed potato and pulverize it in the refuse dissipater. Procure the meat of the potato and macerate it into a fine paste. Place the heaped paste onto your best tableware and cover it with the bird juice and entrails.

It would be a most grievous sin unto the Lord if thou did not procure the consecrated can opener and open the “jelly of thanksgiving.” Not two cans of the jelly of thanksgiving shalt thou open, neither shalt thou open three cans, but one, and one only. Thou shalt serve the sacred jelly mashed or whole observing the traditions of thy clan.

As a wave offering to the Lord, lift an elongated crock filled with beans, liquid fungi and fried onions. Wave the crock before the Lord and then place in the sacred oven next to the consecrated bird ½ hour before consuming.

Lastly, thou shalt take the liquid of the sacred Halloween fruit and pour it into a spherical pan lined with the somewhat moist powder of the wheat. Bake the hallowed fruit and eat topped with emulsified cow milk.

At the conclusion of the feast, the men of the clan shall retire to an adjacent room for the festival of belching, story-telling and football while the women cleanse and retire the sacred dishware for another year.

Let it be so.

Dearest friends, thank you for taking the time to read these musings each week. Blessings to you and your family and may we all give thanks to a GREAT GOD.


12 thoughts on “A King James Thanksgiving

  1. Thank you for your Ruminations each week. Starting our day with a smile after reading your King James Thanksgiving. Wishing all the Littles a blessed Thanksgiving.

  2. May thou and thou clan enjoy the sacrificed bird along along with all the aforementioned fixings. May you belching be satisfying, your story telling make your belly shake -both working together to make enough room for leftovers.

    Above all may God bless you

  3. This is wonderful, Bill!

    Christopher Fay

    Executive Director


    303 S. Maple Avenue

    Falls Church, Virginia 22046

    (703) 237-2035 x 118


    Selected for inclusion in the Catalogue for Philanthropy, winner of the Governor’s Award for Best Housing Program in Virginia, and winner of the Fairfax County Chamber of Commerce Blue Diamond Award for Outstanding Non-Profit. ________________________________

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